Not good.

I absolutely hate that I have to write this post. They say that 70% of success is just showing up, and so deciding today that I'm not going to show up to the Flaxmere PC ODE this weekend was a really tough decision for me to have to make. Even more so considering the reason I agreed to scratch from Horowhenua's cross country phase was that I knew I had Flaxmere coming up.

The entry is paid for, my horse is going beautifully (toxin binder and new arena- you rock my world!), the weather forecast is gorgeous and I have actually learnt my test well ahead of time.. so what's the problem, right?!

The problem is that I am a 'yes-man' and I always bite off more than I can chew. When I was asked to bring the polo horses in for my old boss and exercise them for the next fortnight, I absolutely couldn't say no. My head was saying no, no, no!, but I just pushed those thoughts aside and figured I'd make it work somehow. 

So it turns out good intentions don't always pay off.

I started working the girls last weekend, and clearly underestimated how physically tiring it was. After an accumulative four hours in the saddle on top of other jobs like grooming out eleven winter coats, tacking up, cleaning up etc I'm pretty tired by the time I leave. I then have three of my own horses 'on vacation' to care for which involves more changing rugs and moving fence breaks to give them more grass- all before heading off to groom, ride and feed Oscar.

Then there's two dogs to walk when I return home, on top of general household chores like laundry/cooking dinner/doing dishes and vacuuming because we have four indoor pets so the vacuum is absolutely a daily essential (lol!).

On top of all the physical stuff which is the perfect justification for the amount of sugar I've been eating, there is office work to keep up to date with and the small fact that I'm literally right in the middle of my end of semester university exams. Womp, womp, womp.

The reason I have agreed to withdraw (L is obviously the driving force/devil on my shoulder behind the decision as he'd much rather be at golf- insert heart break emoji here) was because studying in the evenings when I'm exhausted and in desperate need of relaxation is doing nothing for my ability to focus and retain information. Being the good adult that I am, I am putting my study before recreation. Though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping to be run over at which point I would probably thank the kind stranger. Getting run over would mean no exams, right?! hahahahahaha.. going crazy in my tired state. Responsibility sucks. I get that everyone is busy and I should probably get over it, but the anxiety of not achieving academically is sucking the fun out of everything else and so something had to give somewhere. I had totally psyched myself into telling the polo horse owners that I actually had bitten off more than I could chew, and was oversubscribed as it was... But I will always put everyone else's needs first, and so my horse show is a no go.

I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself, and looking to the right at my competitions calendar and seeing 'Scratched' twice in a row really hits me in the sad feels. I always tell myself that it is what it is and not to make a deal about it, but perhaps it's a good thing to feel overly disappointed as it might mean I start to prioritise what I want in the future. Initially I had agreed to make myself available for as long as they needed me at polo, but having sacrificed my show I have put my foot down with a firm hand. No more oversubscribing myself because whenever I try to please everybody, I am always the one that ends up disappointed.

So there's Flaxmere's recap post. I'm off to finish up some study notes for my exam this afternoon whilst drowning in self-pity hahaha. At least we have a practise cross country day on either the 11th/18th November (whichever fits best) to prep us for Clareville Horse Trial to look forward to, right.